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I’ve been pretty transparent about how this pregnancy took us all by surprise, but I haven’t really put my thoughts about that into words. We had found this very comfortable place, where we had established routines and habits and were embracing the predictable nature of life, but maybe that was the problem.
I know that everyone’s journey to parenthood is different and what feels devastating within our own circumstances and contexts, seems like a walk in the park to someone else. When Josh and I first starting planning for a family, I had this notion that it would all come very quickly and work according to a timeline I had created in my head. I’m the first to admit that I have had very little heartache in my life and growing up with an idyllic childhood and a seemingly easy life, even the smallest bumps in the road can feel oppressive and insurmountable. I had this idea that we would have a baby as soon as I abandoned birth control and when the months started ticking by with no positive pregnancy tests, I panicked. We waited the requisite year and eventually turned to oral medication that, fortunately, worked on our very last cycle. We lost two babies after Ella was born and went back for another three cycles of Clomid with Sophie.
I remember being so devastated during that time of our lives. I spent five years trying to get pregnant, taking fertility drugs, being pregnant, recovering from a pregnancy, breastfeeding, or recovering from a miscarriage. Knowing now that there are mamas still waiting on their babies or those who will never, ever have the opportunity to parent, makes me realize how little we actually suffered. Yes, it was hard. No, I wouldn’t wish the waiting and uncertainty on anyone. But almost twelve years after giving birth for the first time, that 2+ years of waiting seems insignificant.
I never liked how birth control made me feel and since we couldn’t tie it to our fertility struggles with any certainty, I opted never to take it again. We resorted to natural family planning in order to conceive and have operated under those circumstances, in order not to conceive, ever since. I was under the false impression that I couldn’t really get pregnant since we lived under the mantle of “unexplained infertility.” I opted out of birth control at every annual visit and lived in oblivion. I have been quoted on numerous occasions saying, “We would never get pregnant again unless Jesus Himself appeared to us in a vision.” Basically, that’s exactly what happened.
We didn’t do anything different in December that we have in any other month, but that was the month our entire lives would change. It would be weeks before I realized why I was so moody and uninterested in life, but pregnancy never once crossed my mind. I’m not sure I will ever forget what I was wearing when I saw the plus sign — or where I was sitting, or how I woke Josh up, or how I cried buckets of tears, or how I showed up on my sister’s doorstep in pajamas, frantically texted Jennifer or sobbed on the phone with my mom. I was completely and utterly overwhelmed and thought myself incapable of handing this situation at 38. Hormones are notoriously ridiculous and that initial rush of pregnancy induced crazy is some kind of powerful.
To say we were shocked is an understatement. We walked around on eggshells for weeks — both because we were terrified of how our lives were about to change, but also because we’ve never had a successful pregnancy that didn’t start with oral medication. I questioned every single symptom and weird feeling and neither of us wanted to talk much about it until after we had seen the doctor. Those first few weeks of uncertainty seem so foreign to me now. Almost fifteen weeks later, we are so settled in this place of growing our family, that the tears and terror of that first month seem really far away. I had all of these insecurities about how this pregnancy would make me feel and how it would change a family dynamic that we all really love, but I can already see how unfounded those fears really were.
I told Josh in the beginning that I was really worried about my body image over the course of the next year. I was finally in a place where I felt comfortable in my own skin and was now handing that comfort over without warning. I struggled between feeling guilty over the thoughts that my body was no longer my own and feeling nervous about whether I would ever have the time to work this hard on myself again. This process has surprised me in so many ways. While my workouts have definitely suffered — my lower legs and feet swell on a regular basis and running isn’t always easy — the fact that I’m still going three days a week is huge. I wasn’t active with either of my other pregnancies, so as long as I keep moving, I’m going to count it as a win. Instead of complaining about expanding waistlines and a sagging chest, I’ve embraced maternity clothes whole-heartedly and abandoned all undergarments with buckles and clasps — if it can’t be worn with a sports bra, then I don’t want any part of it!
The other biggest change I’ve seen in our family as a whole, is how much time we’ve been spending together. I’ve never been shy about admitting that Josh is a much better mother than I am. We joke that the girls prefer him when they are sick or having a bad day, but he is much more affectionate than I am and much more patient when things get frustrating. I’m probably perceived as an extrovert, but I have strong introvert tendencies. By the end of the day, I’ve met my quota for attention and find myself craving a quiet place to retreat. Too much touching gives me major anxiety and I’m easily frustrated when the girls won’t cooperate at bedtime. I know that I’m a good mother, but our strengths are very different and I often wonder if my girls will look back and wonder why I wasn’t more maternal. As they have gotten older, I think Josh and I both fell into a pattern of letting them be as independent as possible (this isn’t necessarily a bad thing) and treating them as if they were already all grown up. I’m not sure if it’s the hormones or the thought of having another little one in our home, but I have felt so much more maternal these last few months and it’s had a wonderful affect on my children and on our home, in general. There is no longer a rush to get everything done in the evening or an urgency in getting the girls to their own space. We’ve enjoyed more dinners together around the table, more Survivor marathons in our bed, and more deep conversations about baby names and family dynamics than I can remember having before this year. The girls are so excited and even though we’re all still adjusting to the changes that have come (and will keep on coming!), it has been so wonderful to see them talk about the baby and how involved they want to be. They have both been very vocal about their baby name preferences and we are really trying to keep their thoughts and opinions in mind. We have no plans to name the baby until after they have all met and just thinking about that moment gives me actual chills.
I’m sure that we are in for a rollercoaster ride this year, but I’m so thrilled with how this surprise has already transformed our life. We used to dream about a house full of babies, but we felt like the timing was off and we were too old to continue growing our family. I’m here to tell you that being an “older mom” is where it’s at. We never would have taken this journey on our own and are honestly so thrilled that the decision was made for us. I will forever thank God that He did not listen to those plans of mine thirteen years ago. His ways are higher and this baby is living proof.
Navy Blue Draped Tie Front Maternity Dress c/o Pink Blush Maternity
