I am not a stay at home mom. There were a (very few) days when I thought that life might be for me, but maternity leave corrected my thinking. All I ever wanted to be growing up was a mother and since my own mom spent most of her days at home with us, I never questioned that I would end up in that very same role. Once I entered the working world, however, I realized how much I thrive on adult interaction. I was made for the work force. I love projects and organization and troubleshooting. I like getting dressed up and commuting and grabbing a quick lunch with friends.
I used to joke with Josh that I would love to be a stay at home mom, after my kids were all in elementary school. I got a few side-eyes when I said that in public, so I started to think I was doing something wrong. The thought of spending all day together gives me severe anxiety. I used to feel bad that I didn’t want to be a teacher or surround myself with children every day, but now I realize that it isn’t the gift God gave me. Several months ago our pastor made the joke that kids weren’t his spiritual gift. I have never wanted to raise my hands so bad in a church service before! It was like hearing a spiritual leader say that out loud validated my feelings and made me realize for the first time ever that it isn’t just that I don’t “want” to be home with them, it’s that God never meant for that to happen either. I would be a terrible stay at home mom — I would be frustrated with them all the time and I think our relationships with one another would suffer. I gave them the very best version of myself by leaving them in more capable hands. Sure, there were things that I missed by going to work every day. I missed being able to volunteer in their classroom. I missed preparing breakfast and brushing hair and waving goodbye from the carpool line. I left early in the morning and came home late at night, getting only a few of the most frustrating hours of the day.
When my girls were little, I adjusted my schedule so that I could go into the office early in the day and get home right after school was over. Those hours helped me avoid the worst part of the heavy traffic between our tiny town and the big city. The more years that go by, the worse the commute seems to get and by September I was sometimes spending four hours a day driving to and from work. Considering the 31 miles between my front door and my office, it’s almost unfathomable the time I spent in the car. I was so frustrated and exhausted that both my family and my work product were suffering.
It’s coincidental that I’m sharing this post on the first day in weeks that I’ve gone into the office before nine. For the last six weeks, I’ve been going in two hours later in the morning and staying late two nights a week to make up the difference. It is a complete and total change of culture. I haven’t missed a single email or phone call in those two hours I miss every morning, but I have gained so much time at home with my family. I fix pancakes and braid hair and watch terrible morning television with the girls. I have time to read teacher notes and sign permission slips and learn all about their favorite friends. Josh and I alternate dropping the girls off at school, so we both get an opportunity to sleep in a few days a week. When I take them to school, I get up early enough to shower and get ready before they are ever out of bed. I have almost an hour and a half after drop-off before I need to leave for work. During those long mornings, I read my Bible and paint. Some days we drink coffee on the front porch or binge watch Netflix. Other days I come home and crawl back into bed for a few more minutes of lazy conversation before the day begins. I take photographs in natural light. I make lists of things I need to accomplish. I fold laundry and wash dishes and prepare dinner. I text Jennifer or talk to my sister on the phone. I cannot begin to tell you how much nicer I am, how well-rested I feel or how that two hours of day has changed my life. And the two nights a week I work late? Sophie gets to spend some one-on-one time with her daddy (which she desperately needed) and Ella spends those hours at the dance studio. Instead of driving back into town after dinner to pick her up, I’m swing by and pick her up on my way home. She and I eat a late dinner together and then head straight to bed.I am so much happier at home in the morning. I feel like I’m getting the best of all worlds and finally getting a taste of being at home with my people without the fear of ruining their childhood. I am the best stay at home (in the morning) mom you’ve ever met.
