Can we talk about church? I’m not sure what I can and can’t say without ruffling feathers or feeling overly emotional, but it’s really been on my heart to share what we’re going through. I’m struggling to stay invested in fellowship while at the same time desperately missing that “family” like crazy. It’s unbelievably hard when your head and your heart are in such completely different places.
No denomination is perfect. I know that Baptists have a bad reputation and are generally thought of as “bible thumpers” or unnecessarily conservative. I also know it is altogether possible to be fully invested in the doctrine and at war with the current climate. There is such a dichotomy between those who thrive on tradition and an entire generation of young people who are craving revolution. I grew up in a baptist church and have defended it mightily. I don’t secretly long for flashing lights and music or hipster preachers, I just want it to seem relevant and to teach my children the truths that will change their lives forever.
We started attending our current church when I was in the first grade. We found ourselves there, in a neighboring community, surrounded by people we didn’t know. I don’t remember much about our previous church, but I do remember my first service here, in a big new sanctuary. I remember that my Sunday School teacher’s name was Mrs. Knight and that I didn’t know what a paragraph was when I was asked to read a passage aloud in class. I remember Bible Drills and learning 2 Timothy 2:13 in the King James Version. I remember children’s choir and summer camps and youth choir tours. I was married in the same church where I was baptized and later watched my own daughter stand in that same baptismal pool. I am invested in my church and all of the best memories of my life are centered around those rooms. That emotional attachment is what makes what we are currently experiencing so overwhelming.
I remember when Josh agreed that we would go to my church together after we were married. I had worried for months about where we would worship and if I could survive leaving what I considered home. For years we worshiped side by side, but he was hesitant to become a member. I was sitting next to him in the service one morning, when he took my hand and walked me up to the altar. I was so excited that he recognized why membership was so important and so proud that he could one day serve as a Sunday school teacher or deacon. The thought of having babies and being a family in the same church where I was raised made me giddy with anticipation. It makes me sad to think that might not be what God wants wants for our family.
The state of our fellowship has been in flux for quite some time. We have had amazing leaders who nurtured our hearts and taught us so many wonderful things and have made available to us so many exciting experiences. When you see people who are supposed to love each other start criticizing one other instead, you begin to question their character and their motives. Being embarrassed by your friends and family is a bitter pill to swallow, but sometimes it’s necessary to oppose them and stand up for what you know in your heart is right.
We’ve continued to serve in empty rooms and attended more tension filled meetings in the last year than I can begin to count. I’ll admit I don’t always do my part. There have been many Sundays when I’d rather pull the blankets over my head and enjoy the laughter of my little girls than to walk into the unknown. It is beyond hard to keep running when you have no idea what the finish line looks like. We don’t ultimately know where God will lead us to worship. We are keeping our ears and our hearts open to him and trying not to run from his nudging, even when it is foreign and unfamiliar. Today, we know he has us standing in the gap for our friends and in support of our leadership. And as uncertain as it seems, I’m looking forward to the amazing things I know he has for us in the coming days.
