I won’t tell you which one, but I went to a break-out session on the first day of dotMom that I was less than impressed with. It was geared towards teaching your child to have a heart for missions and I was pretty excited about it. The speaker presented a lot of useful information, but it wasn’t anything I didn’t already know and I was regretting not spending that time for something different. Fast forward to Saturday and I found myself in Jen Hatmaker’s session called Parenting The Kids We Have, Not the Kids We Were. It was described as the “nitty-gritty of raising disciples in a post-Christian society… unpack[ing] what makes our kids’ generation tick, what they love, what they hate, and how to show them Jesus in a way that won’t make them puke”. Can we talk about how amazing it is that God knows exactly what you need to hear? What if I told you that this break-out session taught me everything I was hoping to learn in the previous day’s session? Overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed at how much GOOD information she gave us, but even more overwhelmed at the providence of God. I’m sorry if this post gets long-winded or preachy, but if I was craving this information without even knowing it, I’m hoping some of you might be, too.
Jen started by explaining that the world-view that our children will grow up with differs greatly from the one we lived in. She agreed that while we may be standing with one foot in each of these, our children are firmly planted in a new world-view and if we wish to reach them (and their peers) for Christ we need to change our tactics. Let’s talk worldviews…
MODERN WORLDVIEW — marked by rational, linear thinking; pragmatic thought; science and education; dogmatic thinking; individualism; fundamental/traditional church; a respect of authority; faith proven through researched fact; systematic theology (you just must be a believer!); apologetics (defending your faith via facts).
If this world-view has a sound-byte it would be “I have all the answers and you can, too!”
POSTMODERN WORLDVIEW — marked by spirituality versus religion; experience; touchy-feely; community; global justice; truth is relative; creativity; environmentalism; deconstruction; cynicism; question everything; craving authenticity; real and genuine; they won’t believe things just because we do.
The post modern sound-byte is “I don’t have all of the answers and neither do you!”
Postmodern thinkers feel let down by their parents (most will come from broken homes) their government and their spiritual leaders. It’s easy to understand given our current political and social climate. They will understand God in storytelling, justice and community driven activity. They will not understand God in apologetics, dogmatic thinking or theology. Children are fleeing the church due to a genuine distrust of organized religion. They view it as arrogant, exclusive, judgmental and consumer-driven.
Our children will respond to our parenting when we are humble and authentic (they are craving transparency, invite them into conversation, apologize often.). They are looking for a Jesus who will give them rich, meaningful relationships. They aren’t looking to be entertained or impressed. In order to engage them and be believable, we are going to have to care about the people that Jesus cared about.
We have got to let go of the old dreams we have for our children. The world is selling us the American Dream and we have got to turn around and run. Jen’s words were to “unhinge them” from the world’s dreams for them. We shouldn’t be striving for success, excess, security and prosperity. We should be giving ourselves away. Currently, we are using a morality-based approach in an attempt to win children and young-people to Christ. We are focusing on the things Jesus told us not to do, but completely ignoring the things he insisted we do. Our goal isn’t well-behaved, quiet children. Our goal is to raise children who love Jesus with reckless abandon. Ouch.
She illustrated two ways to embrace postmodern thinking:
- Love the unlovely and care for the poor — love broken, poor, ignored people; go so much further than sharing a daily devotional with your children; share with them experience and justice; make space in our life for the marginalized; stop spending so much time serving the saved.
- Be authentic / genuine parents — stop preparing our children for an unreal world; show them the messy; stop giving them false impressions and having too high expectations; let go of what we expected and embrace what God has given us today; tell them it’s okay to mess up; remind them that you aren’t perfect either; let our children take risks and fail – there is much to be learned from failure; apologize; try again; act proud of how they fail.
We are coaches, not dictators. Ask our children questions, don’t demand and dictate their behavior. Don’t solve their problems for them or give them all the answers. She told us that her family often talks about how their primary goal in life is to receive a “Well done, my good and faithful servant” when they reach heaven’s gates. She talks about using this as a learning tool when talking to her children. She often asks “What would a WELL DONE look like here?”
God is working a big story in the lives of our children, but we are only one tiny little part. We can make epic mistakes, but God is still sovereign. It was refreshing to hear her say that no matter how hard we try, we cannot mess this up. God is in control.
I don’t know what all of this means for my family. I don’t think it means to pack up my whole house and move to a foreign country to teach my children a lesson, but what if it does? I am so embarrassed by how “safe” I parent and how little of Jesus I’m really sharing with my children. Yes, a daily devotional time together is important, the fellowship of believers is important, mission friends is important. But what about service? What about working in our community and sharing the love of Jesus with those I might not normally entertain? I’m hoping that this little spark will grow into a mighty flame. I want to involve my children more in the service projects we do as a Bible study group. I want them to know that Jesus cares for the less-fortunate and the marginalized and so do we.
“God does his best work in reality. He works a beautiful story where we are. He is enough for us in what we have and in what we don’t have.” Jen Hatmaker, dotMom 2012
